Surviving and Conquering Social Anxiety
By: Ellie Graham
Everyone has experienced a moment in their life where they feel uneasy, nervous, or distressed in a social situation. However, these anxieties can become all-consuming, leaving us feeling drained and eager to avoid everyday interactions. Social anxiety disorder is taxing, both mentally and physically. This anxiety usually stems from one’s perception of the self and the pressure one feels to conceal certain aspects that make us feel vulnerable out of fear of judgment. Psychologist Ellen Hendriksen describes social anxiety as “self-consciousness on steroids.”
It is important to identify the myriad of intrusive thoughts that can manifest from social anxiety. First, it regards the external self, which includes your very own, private, self-perceived flaws. This anxiety lies to you and makes you feel flawed, forcing you to worry about things like your skin, weight, even style, and so much more. This extends beyond having a pimple and the need to cover it up, it is the intense anxiety of feeling like these “flaws” cannot be hidden and, thus, you will be judged. Second is the feeling that your anxiety is externally showing; you believe that it is obvious when you are shaking, blushing, or panicking. The third is the uncontrollable feeling that all social skills are being perceived as annoying, bland, or weird by others. Last, is a feeling that your overall anxiety is inherently tied to your very own personality as a whole. This is the fear that others will think your entire personality is not enough, that your biggest self-perceived insecurities will be seen by others and you will be judged by them. This anxiety leaves you with questions like if people even desire to be around you and leaves you constantly criticizing yourself. All of these categories fall under the need to hide a part of ourselves from others. However, it’s important to remind yourself, these anxieties are lying to you!
This anxiety lies to us in two ways. First, it convinces us that the worst possible scenario will happen and is followed by the fear of being rejected or humiliated. Secondly, it makes us believe that we will not be able to face this worst-case scenario. This is a deep fear that something is incomplete about our being and that if whatever it is we are missing is not hidden, but becomes visible, we will be rejected.
Overcoming social anxiety is a constant battle. It is okay to reach out to a psychiatrist or seek therapy for help. Something I've noticed while dealing with social anxiety is reminding myself that people are generally most concerned with themselves. Everyone is constantly worrying about how they are perceived; no one is constantly picking you apart from the way you may be picking yourself apart.
1. Create a goal for yourself.
In a social situation where you are nervous, give yourself a goal. Because anxiety is driven by unpredictability, having an agenda can help take away some uncertainty. For example, if you are going to a party, your goal could be to talk with one or two people who are not in your close friend group. By completing a task you have self-assigned, you can help yourself overcome anxieties.
2. Stop self-monitoring.
In a moment of social anxiety, we start to turn our attention to judging ourselves internally. Our thoughts start to wonder if what we are saying or doing is weird or stupid. This self-judgment automatically ruins our engagement in the conversation and leaves us feeling anxious. Instead, be in the moment and turn your attention outwards to fully engage with the conversation you are in. Listen with full attention and respond, this will result in more natural conversation.
3. Don’t try to be so perfect all the time.
No one is perfect so why put pressure on yourself to try to be? When you try to create a fake persona, you end up focusing on trying to meet your own unattainable standards, causing anxiety. If you do not set these high standards for yourself, there is less self-pressure. In fact, imperfections and mistakes are human, and in turn, make people feel more relatable to you which makes you more likable.
4. Monitor your social interactions.
When you are feeling anxious about an event, write down your worries. Afterward, write down what actually happened. Often you will find that your biggest fears never happen. Each time you conquer uncomfortable social situations, you will learn to realize you are a lot more resilient than you think!
Reference List
Hendriksen, Ellen. “How to Manage Social Anxiety.” Goop Wellness, Goop, 27 May 2020, https://goop.com/wellness/health/how-to-manage-social-anxiety/.
Ho, Dr. Judy. “How to Handle Social Anxiety.” Poosh, POOSH, LLC, 28 May 2021, https://poosh.com/how-to-handle-social-anxiety/.
“Social Anxiety Disorder.” National Institute of Mental Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/social-anxiety-disorder.